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So posts like this make folks uncomfortable, often leading to three kinds of reactionary (and unhelpful) comments. Even though we all have insecurities, self-confidence is not my major struggle.
The first will be from those folks who insist that I must really have low self-esteem about my weight and that it must be coming through to the dudes I’m meeting. The only way to live in my body, doing the work I do, is to be confident.
What I’m getting at is something much more fundamental. Several months ago I was in a bar/lounge type spot, with a group of 7 or 8 homegirls.
Because desire is socially constructed (no matter how much folks justify their limited dating choices based on ‘natural preference’), the fact that we live in a fat-hating culture greatly affects who we’re attracted to, and what we find attractive. We ranged in size and skin tone, from short and petite, to tall and lanky, from light-skinned to dark-skinned, from skinny to fat (me being the fat one), and everything in between. My girl gave us his vital statistics and it turns out the brother is highly intelligent and very accomplished. This I discovered, as I watched him at different points during the evening, strike up a conversation and flirt with every single girl in the crew—except me.
Nothing can make me dance with abandon like a smoke-filled club strung out on CRUNK.
And when me and my girls would go and shut the club down, routinely, I’d be the only chick that hadn’t been approached, danced with, hit on.
I also have both short and long term goals for doing so. So please save the condescending lectures (and arm-chair therapy) for someone else.
This big girl (and I suspect every other big girl with access to a TV) doesn’t need it.
I’m all those things in a culture that not only hates fat, and finds it repulsive, but also in a culture where fat dark-skinned women can only find roles in movies as maids.
And a third, fundamentally more well-meaning group, will come over an give anecdotes about all the thick chicks they know who have male partners.
The number will usually total up to no more than 2 or 3 mind you.
I know that we have huge problems with obesity in Black communities.
I have thought long and hard about my relationship to food (and exercise), and I have started to make some changes in order to remain healthy.
They see girls like me as sisters, as homegirls, but not as love options, because they don’t find big girls sexy.